Saturday, July 23, 2011

When do you trust again?

      This question has been weighing heavily on my mind as of late.  I have met people throughout the years who always are trusting and give the benefit of the doubt to whoever crosses their path.  I used to be one of those people.  I used to believe in the fairy tales and love at first sight.  I dreamed that someday my prince would come and I would be swept off my feet to live in a beautiful home on a ranch with tons of animals where we would raise our half dozen kids and live happily ever after.  Then real life hit me full in the face...multiple times.
      I was the smart girl in school and oh so painfully shy.  Even so, I still had dreams about getting my first kiss, going on my first date, going to dances and the prom.  As the oldest of six kids, I looked forward to being the first to get to do all of those things.  Unfortunately, that was not to be the case.  Not only was I the shy one, but "the fat one" as well.  Boys didn't look at me as dating material, but more as their best friend, tutor, or a way to get "in" with one of my sisters. 
      Now I am not saying that there wasn't a couple boys here and there who really were interested in me for me and not those other things, but they were either too shy to tell me themselves, or I found it hard to believe that they would be interested in me.  Why would they when they could have one of my beautiful sisters on their arm?  It got a little easier to accept their interest when my sisters were in relationships of their own and no longer available, but there was still that little voice in my head saying "you are not good enough."
      I let my guard down when I met and started dating a guy from California.  At the time, I was living in my home state of Michigan and basically working 12-14 hour days six days a week.  I was burned out and needed a change.  When he told me he loved me, I believed him.  When he told me he wanted to get married and have more kids with me, I believed him.  I wanted that fairy tale and it looked like I was going to get it.  Well, the honeymoon was over within a month of me leaving all that I knew behind in Michigan to a very small town in Northern California.  After telling me daily that he loved me and couldn't live without me, he suddenly "didn't know what love was anymore."  What the hell?
       I gave up everything and ended up with nothing to show for it.  I was so ready to move back to Michigan and rebuild my life, but something kept me out here.  I didn't want to go back home and admit defeat.  So I got myself in the dating game once again.  This time, I was not going to be fooled.  I just wanted to date and have fun and nothing serious.  Good plan, right?  Wrong!  Are you starting to see a pattern?
      I can hear some of you saying, "Well, maybe you are looking in the wrong place?  Maybe you should try to look again at the guys from your past."  And wouldn't you know, I did just that.  Through the magic of Facebook you can be reunited with old friends and long lost loves.  Hours messaging online, texting and phone calls filled my days.  I couldn't believe that a guy that I had loved for over twenty-five years would still be interested in me, after all of this time.  It was too good to be true, and I should have listened to that little voice in my head that said "run away as fast as you can."  Instead I poured out my heart to my long lost friend about all the crap going on in my life particularly the failure of my marriage.  I felt lost and alone and this friend was there to pick up the pieces.  Unfortunately, after helping me mend my heart, he ripped it out of my chest and smashed it into a gazillion pieces.  I had trusted this man with secrets I had never told anyone, and he tossed me aside like a used kleenex. 
     
It's all sounding like one or two of my books...or at least it should be!  LOL

      So here I am today, wondering should I let my guard down again or not?  Should I give my heart to someone else again and risk getting it damaged beyond repair this time or should I keep it locked up and stay closed off?  Is it all worth it?

HELL YES! 

Why risk the heartache again?  Because without the heartache, there can be no love of a life time.  Without the loss, there can't be a "found."  If you don't take that chance and trust again, you will never find your now and forever.  So jump in with both feet and open your heart to all the possibilities.  You just might be surprised who will be right there beside you, holding your hand tight and yelling "Geronimo!"

     

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