Welcome to this week's edition of Memoirs of a Forty Something Fat Chick. Today I'd like to talk about something that many women have to come to grips with in their lives whether they're single or married.
Whether it's a problem with conceiving or carrying a child to term, this is one of the most heart wrenching issues a woman and her partner can face. As young girls we dream of the day when we can be The Mom. It's more or less drilled into you that it's a part of life you're expected to take part in. It's expected you'll get married and start popping out babies. Of course you can choose to have a career—as long as it doesn't interfere with giving your parents their grandchildren to spoil.
Next month is my forty-seventh birthday. It's time to face the fact I won't be able to have a child on my own. Biologically speaking it's no longer an option and that hurts more than I can ever express. As a medical professional I know all the reasons why, but as a woman who has always wanted to be a mother it's devastating. Top that off with the callous comments of others about why they "think" I don't have children.
"Maybe you should have tried sooner than now to get pregnant."
"Now that you have that hot young hubby,it's time to get down to baby making."
"Too bad you threw yourself into school and your career when you were younger..."
"Why don't you want kids?"
"Having kids isn't all that." (from my Mom...LOL!)
"When are you guys going to have one of your own?"
"What do you have against kids?"
What most people around me don't know is that I did get pregnant once and miscarried within the first month. It was devastating then and it still stings today. My ex-husband never went to the doctor to find out if he was part of the problem and refused to consider adoption. He and his family pretty much blamed me for the issue.
Of course none of them came right out and said it to my face, but the little digs about me being the only one not pregnant around the holidays beat the hell out of my feelings of self worth. Of course they even turned it around to being the reason that marriage failed. It wasn't true and that story is for another day...or maybe it's already been depicted in one of my books. ;)
Fast forward to my new life with my new husband who's eight years younger than I am. I'd love nothing more than to give him a child. I want to see him melt the first time he hears his son or daughter call him "Daddy." This time around adoption is on the table and I couldn't be happier.
No longer do I have that biological clock tick tick ticking away. I don't have to feel like a failure as a woman because I haven't given birth to at least one child by now or Goddess forbid be a grandmother at this age. Not that I'm knocking anyone who is, it's just not for me.
Now that both of us are looking toward retirement and partial retirement, we can devote more time to raising a house full of children. We want the minivan to schlep them around to dance class, gymnastics, ball games and the movies. We're looking forward to have little voices join in cheering for our favorite hockey and football teams.
Growing old together with your soul mate is a wonderful thing. Being able to do it with a team of grandkids at your feet...priceless.
As I move into this new stage I have to share my progress in my journey to better health. As you all know, I've been diagnosed with type II diabetes and high blood pressure. Both brought on by my obesity. I'm thrilled to report I've lost 20 pounds and feeling great! My diabetes is now more controlled with the dietary changes alone. No more highs and lows. My sugar levels are now just barely elevated. The best news of all is my blood pressure. I started out at 140/98 and now two months later it's down to 128/84. It's all working!
Until next time,
~The Fat Chick
Today I decided to create a blog about being a fat, infertile, fortysomething. It's nice to know that I am not alone. Loved your post especially at this time of year when it seems that everyone is posting pictures of their amazing children.ReplyDelete