I've had more than a few people ask me if I'm freaked out about turning fifty later this year. They're always shocked to hear my answer... I. Can't. WAIT!!!! For me, turning fifty is a huge milestone to be celebrated and not feared. While there are some things I would have done differently in my life, I wouldn't change the overall outcome. My experiences shaped who I am today. Literally and figuratively. The heartache and pain I've lived through has made me a stronger woman, one who doesn't take anyone's shit. On the other hand, those same experiences have created walls around me. I don't trust people easily. Not anymore. I've found myself in situations where I've placed my love and trust in people who used me for their own gain. They took what I was more than willing to give to them and left me in the cold. As a result, I no longer take someone at face value. I don't open up or let anyone into my inner circle right off the bat. They have to earn it. Sorry if that offends anyone, but when you get stomped on, lied to and lied about it's a necessary evil.
At fifty years old, I can finally get around those questions about having kids. I wasn't able to get pregnant after YEARS of trying with my first husband. He refused to go to the doctor to see if he was the problem. It was just one of many things that ended the marriage but another lesson learned on my part. My current husband is my soul mate. Together we learned having children isn't in the cards for us and we've accepted it. We've talked about adoption but when we looked long and hard at our lives, TOGETHER we decided we don't wish to have children. Now that I'm approaching fifty, I won't have to deal with those who feel I'm being selfish for not having kids. I don't have to deal with the women who pity me for not being able to experience the joy of carrying my own child. At this age, if I were to get pregnant I could put my life and that of my unborn child in danger. Sorry, but going through a high risk pregnancy just so I can join the parenthood club would be the ultimate selfish act.
I'm in the stage of my life where I can be selfish in other areas. I've worked hard in my career as a veterinarian and now as an author, poet and publisher. This is the time of my life where all the hard work is beginning to pay off. This is the time where I'm once again taking charge of my health—a never-ending quest to lose weight, keep my diabetes under control, and enjoy all life has to offer. At forty-nine going on fifty, I've actually paid my dues and EARNED the right to slow down and enjoy my life. Turning fifty will be the celebration to kick off the next phase of my professional and personal lives. Veterinary medicine will take the back seat to my writing. Both will stand in line behind my plans to see more of this country. There is so much I want to experience and it's all out there. All I have to do is take the leap of faith and have a ball! Follow your dreams!
Welcome to Not Enough Time in the Day. I'm The Fat Chick and this week I'm sharing my journey to better health and a new me. To help you catch up, I'm a diabetic, on a diuretic for my high blood pressure, obese, stressed out veterinarian, best selling poet and author (under four pen names), and wife to the best husband of this and all life times. aka Tammy. :)
Here I am three weeks into my program on Sparkpeople.com and I've lost over 18 pounds and 6.5 inches from my body. I'm still building up my stamina for my cardio workouts, but their getting easier with each day that passes. Next month, I'll move on to longer routines. I'm excited about that since the Walk Away the Pounds workouts have always been my favorite and regaining the ability to get through a 5 mile boosted walk in an hour is one of my short term goals. My blood sugar levels have stabilized and dropping to below 119 now instead of a whopping 167. Yeah, I know others have much higher levels, but if I would have kept going they way I was going, I would have had to start insulin. I'm afraid of needles so this broad is going to kick her own ass in gear to make sure I never have to get those injections.
Take that, pancreas! My blood pressure has improved as well and my medium range goal is to get to the point where I don't have to be on it anymore. I tell you it's not fun chugging all the water I have to drink for my program while being a diabetic on a diuretic. Get the picture?
Seriously, I'm enjoying the journey this time around and instead of throwing myself in 1000%, I'm easing myself into it. In the past, I've burned out on it after getting to the 80 pounds lost level and then gained it all back. I don't want it back again. So by making these gradual changes, my hope is to create lifestyle changes that stick with me forever.
So there you go! I'm still hanging in there and moving forward with my plan to reinvent myself. I'm not creating a whole new DIFFERENT person, but simply letting the real me see the light of day again.
I'm happy to report I've gone back to my old stomping grounds on Sparkpeople.com to help me on my journey to regain my health. For those of you who don't know about it, Sparkpeople.com is a FREE site that offers all you need in order to find a healthier you. There are trackers for your weight, food, exercise, water intake and so much more. You can join groups for support and you can be as active in them as you wish, or stay on lurker status. It's all up to you. They have free videos you can watch to help with your exercise program, inspiration, recipes...and so much more.
All for free. I found the site in 2008 after joining BiggestLoser.com. I had to pay for that one but found everything I needed and more on Sparkpeople for free. I could use their meal plans or simply enter my own food as I went. I didn't have to purchase any special equipment or join a gym. Everything I need to workout is already in my home. Of course I did get some new videos, body bands and weights to change things up a bit, but it was a small investment and I have everything with me now. It's been five years since I was on Sparkpeople full time and I really missed it. I was worried that I would have issue with my crazy schedule getting everything I did and ate during the day into my trackers before I went to bed. Lucky for me, they have a free app for my phone. I can enter everything I do throughout the day and keep up with my progress.
I'm happy to report after two weeks I'm down 16 pounds. While that seems like a lot for two weeks, most of it came off because I cut down the snacking and junk food and cut out soda/pop for the first week. I did have one small bottle of coke yesterday but it took me several hours to drink it. LOL! Only a month ago I would have downed four of those small bottles in the same time period.
I had a flareup of gout arthritis in my big toe so I hadn't been able to jump right into the cardio workouts I picked out, but this week I'm gearing up to start again. I love the Walk Away the Pounds work outs and the free videos on the website. I have so many things to choose from that I know I'll be able to change things up and not get bored. I've learned that if I go to fast and furious with the workouts in the beginning, I burn out on them later when I need them the most. I'm determined to make this lifestyle change a permanent part of my routine. I'm not stupid. I know there will be bumps in the road again, but with my husband's help, I'll get through those and keep on the right path. We have so much we want to do together and I for one can't wait to get rolling! See you all around next time,
Happy New Year and Brightest Blessings for all! Like many of you, I spent the last days of 2014 evaluating all facets of my life. I didn't like what turned up. The promises and resolutions I made for myself, my health and career have fallen short.
Let me introduce myself to those of you visiting for the first time. Hello, my name is Tammy Dennings Maggy. I'm a 48-year old Fat Chick, veterinarian, ordained minister, multi-published author, poet, and married to the most amazing man in this and any lifetime. I'm a diabetic on a diuretic for my high blood pressure. I have hot flashes, back pain, "tight" with Aunt Flo, and on a first name basis with each of the Seven Witches of Menopause and all of their relatives. I'm all of those things and can't enjoy the good stuff because I'm miserable in my own body. I'm considered morbidly obese by doctors. Others would try to sugar coat it by calling me "curvy", "more to love", or a fabulous BBW (big beautiful woman). I'm here to tell you to join me and take off the rose colored glasses. I did. I don't like what I see. I can't walk through the mall without having to sit down because my back hurts more than I'll admit. I'm winded walking up one flight of stairs. I can't get up and down from the floor without grabbing on to a counter to pull myself up. These things are not cute and more to love.
Being obese is not healthy and to me it's not beautiful to suffer through tasks I need to do each and every day. Now before you start yelling at me that I have to first love myself and see how beautiful I am, let me explain to you it's BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF that I have to make some serious life changes yet again. No longer will I accept my obesity as a part of my life. It's KILLING ME. It hurts to move, to breathe, to enjoy the things I used to enjoy when I was younger and yet here I sit once again. At my largest I was over 350 pounds. I sure as hell don't want to go back there again but if I don't get this under control, I'll be looking at 300 pounds again before the end of 2015. I can't do that. Not again. I can't do that to myself nor to my husband. He loves me unconditionally but if I don't step up, I may leave him a widower. That's not something you do to someone you love and least of all not your soul mate. You may very well be one of those women who accept your body at your current size. I'm not telling you to do anything differently. I don't accept this shell I'm trapped in. I'll always have the curves but right now they're not curves but rolls and globs. In my eyes, I'm not plus sized or a BBW—I'm fat and unhealthy and need to lose another 100 to 125 pounds to be able to call myself a sexy curvy girl again. As always, this is my journey to get healthy and enjoy the life with which the Goddess has blessed me. I'm looking forward to each new day celebrating the success of my writing/publishing career, my new role as a relief veterinarian, and living life to the fullest. I GOT THIS!
Welcome to this week's edition of Memoirs of a Forty Something Fat Chick. This go around I wanted to share an experience I had two days ago that still has me reeling. It's just one more item in the "Why I Should Retire Now" column. For those of you who're just joining us, I'm a veterinarian and contemplating retiring at the end of May when my husband retires from the Coast Guard. I've been doing the same job for twenty years now...yep, that's the big Two Oh. I've seen and done a lot of things through the years and have learned a lot. Up until the last few years, I've been able to handle all the stresses that come with this job: long hours for low pay, dealing with terminal illnesses of my patients and the quirks of their owners. Two days ago I "fired" one of these quirky clients. It's the first time I've ever done that and I'm beside myself—actually mortified is a more apt description. How could I let this woman get under my skin this way and push me over the top? For over twenty years as a veterinarian, I've been able to do the "keep smiling" and kill them with kindness sort of thing. Or I would just keep silent while they bitch and moan. Usually I can wait them out and when it's my turn, I let them have it with both barrels—in a calm, controlled soft spoken voice. So what the hell happened this time?
I can't take the bullshit anymore. I'm at a point in my life I have ZERO tolerance for the kind of behavior my now former client put me and my staff through. This woman screamed at one of my receptionists in the morning for over ten minutes and never gave her a lucid answer at to why she called in the first place. She called back and finally said she wanted to leave me a message, but again not a clear cut answer as to what was going on with her cat. Later in the day, the client arrives with her cat. Immediately after checking in she announces to a lobby full of people and their pets, "I gave Mr. Whiskers the medicine you guys messed up on. You know, the one he needs or he dies." She of course was exaggerating. At the beginning of November, we didn't order a medication she needed because we couldn't figure out what the heck she was asking for. We finally got it figured out and yet she blamed us. "You guys are just too big a hospital. You don't know what anyone's doing over there. I should just find another vet, but it would take too long to break them in." My staff of course smiled and took her abuse with grace and dignity while she continued to make an ass out of herself in the lobby. Clearly in a manic phase, she paced all over the lobby until we got a room free to toss her in. She couldn't stay in there and kept walking in and out of it until I walked in. I checked out "Mr. Whiskers" and only found a small recurrent swelling on his lower lip. She insisted he was in pain and wanted me to tell her why. I explained my exam findings and he'd always responded to pain meds and antibiotics for his lip swelling. "Well do it! I can't stand him like this. I have so much going on in my life. I can't deal with this. I'm trying to make some real money again and now with him doing this I just can't think." "Doing what? He's fine. You've caught his lip issue early this time. Please calm down. You're making him upset." "I think he's having flashbacks because the painters are over and the color is the same as the old house. That's where I had my cancer. I was so sick and had so much chemo..." She paces up and down the room tugging at her hair. Now I know I'm in trouble. Once she starts in on talking about her issues, I'll only have a small window to break through and get her to listen to reason. "Okay, let's not focus on your problems. We're here to talk about "Mr. Whiskers." I can't help you with your issues. We've talked about this before."
"I am focusing on him but you don't understand. I just don't ever get a break. It's go go go. I have so much running around in my head. Oh and I put Bactine on the lump on his lip and it got better. He told me with his eyes it got better." This is where my head began to throb and the room spun. "Don't put Bactine on anything on a cat. We already told you not to do that. It can be very toxic." She glared at me. "It worked. He's all better." "Really? Then why did you bring him here to see me?" "Because he's in pain? Can't you see that?" She jumped up and waved her arms around. "He's having flashbacks. I just know it. He's reliving all the pain I went through during my cancers."
"Focus on him now, please." "I AM FOCUSING ON HIM! I don't want a pity party but I just don't every catch a break. I don't want people to pity me." "THEN STOP! Stop talking about your own issues for one moment and just focus on your cat." "Well you guys messed up his meds. Of course I'm upset about that and I never got an apology from you today for what I've been through." This is where she really crossed the line. We did apologize to her repeatedly even though it was actually her own fault. We had no idea what she had called us for from her rambling messages. Instead of arguing with her further on the subject, I switched gears. "I'm sorry you've had to go through—" "I will not accept a patronizing apology!" That did it for me. "Let me finish before you interrupt." "No! You will not patronize me. I've got too much stress." "That's called LIFE. All of us have stress and deal with it to function and work. I can't help you with your issues but I can help your cats. I'll not apologize to you for something that's been taken care of and apologized for repeatedly." "You have too many doctors here and have to refer to the record all the time. You should just know what's going on with all of your patients at all times. You don't need any records for that. Why do you all have to get my record to see what meds "Mr. Whiskers" is taking? You should just know! I have too much going on in my life to remember it all. I can barely take care of myself and now he's having flashbacks to my cancer." "Enough! I'm done. I'll get the meds for your cat and then I will never see you again!" I marched out of the room. My body shook with rage. This woman belittles my staff on a weekly if not daily basis and I simply had enough. Tears filled my eyes from the anger and the embarrassment. I had to scream at her to make her hear me. I've never had to do that before and I've never walked out on a client like that...ever. My next client heard the entire exchange. He hugged me in the exam room and said I lasted longer than he would have under the circumstances. He made me feel marginally better but my behavior to me was unacceptable. Does this mean I'll tolerate less and less as I get older? My birthday is in thirteen days. Will I become an absolute ogre like one of the grumpy old men?
The next day, after a restless and nearly sleepless night, I shuffled in to work where my office manager and medical director told me I had handled it the only way the woman would allow. Nothing else had worked. Since I stood up for myself and the staff, I had nothing to be embarrassed about. Because of this incident, it was her last chance. My manager sat down at his desk and drafted a letter informing the client we'd no longer provide her any veterinary services.
This was more than I had expected. I knew I wasn't going to see her again, but the rest of the doctors and staff no longer wanted to either. My outburst actually saved all of us a more headaches and frustration.
Does that make me feel better? A little more but still I'm upset for letting her push me to explode. I used to be better than that. Okay, maybe I was just too young and naive to believe that the client isn't always right. I work in a service industry as well as medicine. Dealing with the public is a part of my job, but taking their abuse isn't.
My guess is now I've reached a point in my life where dealing with mean and belligerent clients isn't worth it. I used to enjoy getting up and going to work each day, but now I dread it. Clients like this woman have caused me to be feel this way. They zap my energy to the point I can't relax on my days off.
With my health issues, stress makes them much worse. In fact, stress lead to me developing them in the first place. I had so much going on in my life that work used to be a safe haven for me—a place to escape the sadness that was in my life. I had gone through divorce, betrayal of an old friend and loss of loved ones. Work was my only relief.
Now I'm remarried and incredibly happy. I no longer escape TO work, but FROM it. I don't like that either. I need the balance again. One way or another I'll not let a client get to me like this again. There will be ground rules for our doctor/patient/owner relationship right up front so there's no misunderstandings on either side.
After all, we're both there together because we are about the same thing—the health and well being of their pet.
So no more! For my own heath and sanity NO MORE. If I'm happy, those around me will be happy so that's my goal for the New Year.
For me, turning fifty is a huge milestone to be celebrated and not feared. While there are some things I would have done differently in my life, I wouldn't change the overall outcome. My experiences shaped who I am today. Literally and figuratively.
