Balancing Life, Work and Writing Without a Safety Net #authorlife #vetlife

Hello all!

It's been a long time since I visited with you. Life kicked me in the butt and now I'm at a point where I can breathe again...and write! Being able to put words to the page has brought me such happiness. It's hard for me to explain other than I feel like myself again. For the last two years I've been struggling, really struggling to find my way out of the darkness that nearly took my life. I'm happy to be here and ready to keep fighting to stay. Compassion fatigue and depression are debilitating for me and it's taken a hell of a lot of work to get to where I am now.

From December through March, I had to be the primary caretaker for my husband after he was assaulted in front of our apartment complex. Long story short, his right ankle was shattered and required orthopedic surgery. Multiple pins, plates and screws later, he is back to work and I finally have time for myself again. I'm working over 40 hours a week for my normal gig as veterinarian, but that has changed as well. I'm working in a Fear Free practice and that alone has cut my work related stress in half.

I. Kid. You. Not

Being able to say no to an owner who demands we trim the nails of their attack dog without sedation helps. Educating owners about the fear, anxiety and stress their pets feel traveling to and from the vet and being in the veterinary office itself is an amazing experience. About 80 percent of our clients are receptive to all of it from the start. Others take more time. A slim minority of them refuse to believe their pets are stressed or need special help to adjust.

Those are the folks I choose not to worry about any longer. I've done my part and so have my techs to inform them of the way we can help them and their pets have a less stressful visit with us. It's their CHOICE to not take the advice and it's our choice to part ways with them. No longer do we have to bend over backwards to make these few people happy, terrify their pets and injure ourselves in the process. My staff feels empowered to speak up for our patients when their owners are not aware of what is really happening.

Becoming Fear Free Certified has helped me see my own fears, anxieties and stresses in a new light. I am able to recognize when I'm about to derail and put on the breaks. I take time off and ENJOY it now. Once that happened, my muse returned and pestered me to write again. I'm still doing my crafts and reading for pleasure here and there, but since February, I have been working on multiple writing projects. Yesterday I managed to finally get The Island (Now and Forever 2) back out to the retailers. Siren reversed the rights to me in December of last year. At least it didn't take me two years to get it out like it did with the For the Love of Quinn re-release. Now all of my books are released through my publishing house, Sassy Vixen Publishing.

The new project is a joint venture with my friend, Amber Lea Easton. The shared world series is set in Ouray, Colorado during Million Dollar Fire. Little did we know that our series would release at the same time the real wildfires were racing toward Ouray. Freaky but it made our stories all that more realistic. The first five are out now. I have book six due to release in a couple months that deals with the aftermath of the fire and the final battle between the magical realms and the Fire Queen. If you haven't already guessed, my books tend to lean more toward the paranormal genres. I finally realized that is my true calling. So, look for all the magical creatures to show up with all of my pen names.

The compassion fatigue poetry journal has been a hit so now I have plans to release an expanded version of the poetry as an e-book and print (non-journal) format. It will have the original poems included with the journal, plus several more to round out my journey through it all.

from DIYGENIUS
Creative Commons Use

The title of this post reflects how I've felt at times juggling everything I want to do in any given day. As much as people want to say they were there for me all along, I was in too dark of a place to see it. The voices told me I was alone and I would fail no matter what. The voices convinced me the safety net wasn't there even though I could see it. The moment I slowed down and stopped trying to be all things to all people, the voices quieted and the net came into view.

My brain still never shuts off completely. It's always firing off in a hundred different directions. The difference now is that most of those paths are for new stories and scenes for current works in progress. I have started to learn to be able to focus on two or three of them and let the others stand by on vacation if you will. Some are on extended world tours, but they will be back. Then we'll work together to bring another story out to the world. For me, writing and publishing my stories is giving birth to another child. Right now, I'm the mother of twenty-two...yes you read that right...22 books from all of my pen names. It's been one hell of a journey and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

In that vein, I am working on revamping all of my blogs and websites so if you visit any of them and find them offline, please check back again. I'll have them rolling in no time.

Thank you all for following along with me. Together we'll make it a party!

Until next time,

~Tammy

The Battle Rages On and the Pain Cuts Deep: #SufferInSilence with Compassion Fatigue

Hello my friends. I hope you're all doing well. I come to you today with a heavy heart and soul. As many of you know, I'm a veterinarian in my "real" life. I've been at this job for over 23 years, through many highs and lows. Right now I'm about as low as I can get. 

Working in an emergency veterinary hospital has taken it's toll on me. I thought I'd be able to cope with just two days a week there and the rest with another general practice hospital. It's not working out as I'd envisioned. Over the last two weeks alone, I've had to end the pain and suffering of twenty patients. One shift...yes that's one 12 hour shift SEVEN of them came in at once. All from different families. All for different reasons. It was bad enough that one of the other families in the lobby burst into tears with having to witness the heartache of those who had to say goodbye to their pets.

Take a moment and think about that scene. This family who had no contact with those pets were crushed with the sadness. My techs helped me with those patients. They were able to rotate so not one had to do them all. I was the lone person who had the task to euthanize each and every one. 

I use my poetry as a form of therapy to help me express the emotions swirling around in my mind when I can no longer speak through the tears.

Suffer in Silence

The Noblest of Professions

Calls to those with caring hearts.

No one tells you about the secret

That will tear your soul apart.

Bit by bit it eats away at your humanity.

To survive you must shut off your emotions

Or your mind gives up

And crosses over into insanity.

Happy, joyous occasions

Become fewer and farther between.

As our patients grow older,

Their bodies become frail and lean.

Still we’re expected to soldier on,

With a smile on our face. N

Never mind the price we must pay

With each and every case.

By our hands one more life is ended.

Their pain they suffer no more.

But who grieves for us

When yet another is carried through the door?

The Noblest of Professions…

That much is true.

Would anyone want to still be a part of it

If they knew what they’d be asked to do?

Ending another’s suffering comes at a price

That in the end is far too steep.

Could you stand by as the end draws near

And not allow yourself to weep?

Someone must take up the mantle.

Someone must know what to say

To those whose pets suffer so,

Whose broken lives must end today.

The members of the Noblest of Professions

Die a little every day.

We remember each life we’ve held in our hands

The loss of our hearts is the price we must pay.

The Noblest of Professions must carry on

And Suffer in Silence.

To do anything else would make them appear

Self-absorbed, uncaring, and defiant.

Truth of the matter is

We suffer every day.

We carry the burden.

Our compassion is the other price we must pay.

Will you take up the mantle?

Could you die a little every day?

Will you heed the call of the Noblest of Professions

Even knowing the price you must pay?

©Tammy Dennings Maggy June 13, 2016

The hardest part of this job is holding these lives in my hands and letting them go. Yes I know I'm ending their pain and suffering. I know their quality of life is poor and they're no longer enjoying life as a happy, carefree pet. I know this and that's how I'm able to perform the task...

Asking me to do it over and over and over again during the same shift or even within a couple days is more than I can bear. It's more than anyone should have to bear. 

Before you stand up and shout, "It's your job" put yourself in my shoes for one moment. Put yourself in the shoes of the family in the lobby the night so many pets came in for their last goodbyes. The ages of these animals range from very young to ancient. Some have lived long lives filled with love and others have known only sickness and pain in their short lives.

Being their advocate takes compassion, courage, strength and love. Unfortunately there isn't an unlimited well from which we can draw from to keep filled with all we need to help those who cannot speak for themselves. THIS is what wears us down. THIS is why we burn out. THIS is why veterinarians have now surpassed all other medical professions as having the highest suicide rate.

I've battled depression since my pre-teens. This is so much more.

The nightmares are the worst. Tired all the time? That's part of my traveling for work and trying to be all things to all people—or is it?

Looking at that list I'm sure all of us can relate to at least half of the symptoms but how many of you have a job where you have to continue to buck up and soldier on?

I'm not asking for your pity. 

I'm asking you to look after your loved ones who are members of medical professions where they have to deal with life and death on a daily basis. Get them to take time off even for just a weekend away. Find support groups for them and for you so you will know how to help get them through.

Until next time, 

The Fat Chick 

Change is in the Air! The #FatChick is Movin' in Another Direction for 2016

Hi Ho, Guys and Dolls! Did you miss me? It's been a rough few months of crazy veterinarian schedules, writer's block, health scares and plain old exhaustion but now I'm ready to dive back into my blogs.

With all I've gone through, you would think I'd want to curl up in a ball and escape the world for a year or two, but Lady Fate has other plans for me. The scene where fictional cast of Seattle Grace works their butts off to save their friend is one I've had to deal with as a veterinarian far too often. In the show, they saved Callie. In real life, my colleagues and I weren't so lucky with a few of our critical patients. It's hard to accept there will be cases where no matter what you do, how hard you pray, how much Eastern and Western medicine you throw out there your patient will still lose it's battle.

The cute little Labradoodle puppy that damn near broke me this week lost his battle against Parvo. I had to be his advocate and say enough was enough. His pain was too great and his body too frail. He placed his little head in my hand and snuggled as I gave him one last injection. I wanted so badly to curl up in that cage with him and forget the world. 

Sometimes it's just too much. Then the next one comes through the door on the edge of death and somehow you gather yourself up and give it your all. This time it works. The 10 month old puppy who was left for dead in a ditch after a car slammed into him is coming around. Thankfully no broken bones but other injuries leave him in critical condition for the following 12 hours.

The little stinker rallies and is able to go home 48 hours later to his loving and very grateful family.

These are the reasons I continue to do what I do and not curl up in a ball and forget the rest of the world.

They're also the reason why I won't stop writing and publishing my stories. Both of my worlds are a part of me. I am not ME without either of them. As soon as I let that sink in, the writer's block crumbled and I'm itching to get back into the worlds of my characters. Of course that means my smart ass self is back to share my thoughts on all things in the veterinary world, publishing, authors helping (and hindering) other authors, and my other passions like food and crafts.

Not Enough Time in the Day was the very first blog I started after Siren Bookstrand agreed to publish my first novel For the Love of Quinn nearly five years ago. In a few short months, the rights to that book will be reverted back to me. I'm thrilled at the prospect as I have plans for that monster sized novel! I'm splitting it into two books and adding scenes back in that had to be cut the first go around. Next year, I'll get the rights back to  The Island (Now and Forever 2). At that point, all of my books will be under my control and I have to tell you it feels wonderful to say that. I'll be forever grateful to Siren for giving me a chance, but it's time I move out on my own with everything.

Speaking of moving on...

The last year I've been the regional relief veterinarian for a group of hospitals here in the Seattle area. They've decided to go in another direction and have offered me a fabulous contract to work full time between two hospitals instead of 13. March 1st is the start of that new venture and one that will give me a set schedule for writing again!

This is the final year I can say "forty something" for my age. It's opened up many hours of reflection for me and going through the posts I've done for my memoirs, I've decided to put it all together in one book to be released at the end of the year to celebrate. The Fat Chick posts will continue. I have too much to say on things to let that go. LOL!

If you've been here before, you may have noticed I've changed the side bars up to include some ad space and links to favorites. Starting this month, I will be offering ad space for sale at the top of each side bar. I'm working on the guidelines and pricing and will have a separate page for the information. You'll be able to find it in the menu tabs at the top when it's ready to go. Payments will be accepted ONLY through Paypal.

The Fat Chick posts, Writer's Words of Wisdom, and veterinary posts will have their own index pages also listed in the menu tabs at the top of the blog. This way you can find them in one spot. Of course, you can always use the new search this blog feature in the left side bar.

I'm off to help the hubby work on his new blog Pint For You And Me. He's featuring everything he knows and wants to know about brewing beer from the home, small breweries and others around the world. 

Until next time,

The Fat Chick (Tammy)

The #FatChick Battles Through #Compassion Fatigue to Find Herself Again #amwriting #MyWANA

Hello my old friends. It's been a long while. So much has happened since my last post of any kind here at Not Enough Time in the Day. Why? As the title of this blog states there just hasn't been enough time in the day to get everything accomplished. 

As you know I have suffered from many health issues and continue to battle them. The last few months I suffered a major relapse, regained weight I'd lost, allowed my diabetes and blood pressure to get way out of control. I was a complete mess and didn't like who I'd become. Not. One. Bit.

As The Vixen and as myself, I have championed many causes from pets to other authors. That tenacious pit bull attitude was a welcome thing to see by people then, but when I turned that attitude around to stick up for myself and stop being a doormat, things went to hell and a hand basket.

I spent too much of my time taking care of everyone else, other groups, promoting other authors and basically letting everything else important to me take a back seat. Hell, I left some things so far behind I thought I'd lost them all together. The real me was one of them.

I blame myself for it. I allowed it to happen. I took on more things than I could handle at once because of some misguided work ethic. I don't like to see things fail. When I commit to something, I hold up my end and that of others to keep everything all flowing. Unfortunately, instead of speaking up and telling those around me I was overwhelmed and could no longer be the back up, I kept working and working and the anger and resentment build up until it finally exploded.

Besides writing under four pen names, I work over forty hours a week as a veterinarian. I literally hold lives in my hands on a daily basis. The stress of that job alone is enough to make anyone crack. It's no wonder that veterinarians have the highest suicide rate than any other profession. I'm not making that up. Veterinarians are "four times as likely" to take their own lives as non-medical professionals, and "twice as likely" as other medical professionals. Click here to read one article on the subject and to find out why. No need for me to go into that in this post other than to say YES I suffer from compassion fatigue. After 21 years of  emergency and general practice in economically challenged areas, it's a given for me and something I have to battle every single day.

To escape that world, I need to immerse myself in my characters and their stories. In the beginning, I was eager to take on new projects to get my name out there. As I built up more of my own following, I joined forces with others to get all of us more exposure. Unfortunately in the middle of that, I lost sight of what's important in all of it—me.

I turned into a person I no longer recognized. Instead of being able to talk things through, I lashed out. I was constantly on edge. I could no longer let things roll off my back. Even the slightest infraction turned into a major production. I spent many nights sobbing uncontrollably, unable to sleep, not understanding I was slowly killing myself. 

Top that with fighting with former partners over idiotic things, misunderstanding each other at every turn, assuming every single thing mentioned anywhere was a slam against me personally, and you get the idea of a small part of what's been going on in my life right now. I looked in the mirror and hated the person I saw glaring back at me. There was no other choice left for me now.

I had to walk away.

I became that person searching for something to continue to be pissed off about. Yes, I did have cause for a lot of it, but that's no excuse for letting everything build up the way I did. It was irresponsible of me to allow it to happen in the first place. I ignored the warning signs that started about a year and half ago. Instead, I thought it would get better if I continued to go with the flow. 

It didn't. Now I've cut ties with some folks, dropped out of projects, and let go of all the bullshit. Now it's up to me to take care of me. I'm keeping The Vixen close to home now on Sassy Vixen Publishing and at Taboo II. She's where she should be. The nickname was given to me by an old high school friend in honor of me busting out of my shy girl shell. While he's no longer in my life, The Vixen will continue to live on as I go back to the basics.

So if you find yourself in similar situations, stop! Cut out all the extra things in your life that really don't matter. YOU are the most important part of the equation. If you find that you've strayed from your original path and you no longer recognize the person in the mirror, CHOOSE to make the changes you need to get YOU back—not the kind of person others what you to be, but who you were born to be.

Until next time,
~Tammy