It's Tuesday once again and time for some sharing from this forty something year old fat chick. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm "The Fat Chick" and this is my chance to share with you the craziness that is my life now that I'm in my late forties.
I'm not one of those broads who's constantly worried about getting older. In fact, I WELCOME it. I don't always enjoy what I have to go through during this stage of my life, but all of it is a part of me and my life journey. Of course it's all fodder for my books and my blogs. LOL!
Well, fodder isn't quite the right word here...fair game is more like it. ;) I mean that. I don't have a lot of secrets in my life anymore. I've exposed most of them through my characters in the books I write as myself or my alter egos Lia Michaels, Stephanie Ryan, and Tawny Savage. The raw emotions and their life challenges have all been what I've lived through. Through them, I've worked through my various issues, one at a time. It's the best form of therapy for me.
However, there's one thing plaguing me as of late. I didn't think I'd have to deal with this since I've been battling Sleepy Witch of Menopause off and on for some time. Unfortunately, she's taken a backseat to her older cousin, Insomnia.
It's become so bad lately, I'm finding myself losing track of what I'm doing during the day. Without enough full, deep sleep, I just appear to go through the motions. I can't think, my words jumble, and I can't follow conversations going on around me. This is no good when you're trying to pull information out of a tight-lipped pet owner about what's going on with their animal.
Normally my mind is going around four or five sentences faster than my mouth, but not when Insomnia comes calling. That witch turns my brain to mush and I can't remember what happened five minutes ago let alone five days ago. This is the most frustrating feeling for me. I used to pride myself on being able to multitask and zip through my day. Now I'm lucky to make it through my shift at the veterinary hospital and get through everything on my to do list.
I'm not sure why this is happening to me. I've been working on my diet and weight loss program. My blood sugar is fairly well regulated. I drink my water throughout the day and only have caffeine once or twice a week and that's early in the day. So why am I being plagued with sleepless days and nights?
Insomnia is even interfering with my nap time folks! Something has to be done and fast! LOL
Seriously, the more I look at my life, the more I realize I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. My husband is retiring from the Coast Guard at the end of the summer and we're moving to another state. A new life, new job, new everything is in front of me and I'm scared shitless.
I've moved and changed jobs before, but at this point in my life, I'm worried that I can't cut it. I'm not digging being a veterinarian anymore but it's all I've done for the last twenty-one years. It's what I've worked for my entire life from the age of nine up until now. I've reached the point where I've accomplished all I'm going to in this profession. I want more from life than being an old woman shuffling to work every day to poke and prod my patients.
It's time I moved out of the way and let the young whipper snappers waiting in the wings take over. They've watched me and learned what they need to in order to make the job their own. It's time I let them do it. That's the part that scares me. What if I didn't teach them enough for them to survive? What if I let them down and they fail?
All of these thoughts and questions run through my brain each and every night along with my publishing deadlines, finding new ways to promote my books, make new connections and friends and help them promote their work...
It never ends. I have to find another way to divert my mind and body from obsessing over all of this. Life will go forward no matter what I do or freak out over. It's time I accept that, and roll with the punches. Until I do, I'll just keep awake for as long as I can, just like the kids in those Freddy Krueger movies. The song in the video below always reminds me of those movies and it's pretty spot on for how I'm feeling right now.
Until next time,
~The Fat Chick